compatibility quiz

It was brought to my attention from my lunatic ex-boss that there is a test I should have been following all this time to make sure that Aaron measured up as a significant other. Apparently I was supposed to use this test to determine whether or not Aaron was a keeper, but since I've all ready agreed to marry him I'm just going to use it to see how badly I screwed myself.

    The List
  1. Personal Wealth
  2. Family Wealth
  3. Education
  4. Job
  5. Upward Mobility
  6. Possessions
  7. Car
  8. Debt
  9. Personality
  10. Taste in Music (All right, so this wasn't on the list, but I wanted to have ten things and this was the only thing I could think of).

1. Personal Wealth
Well, we seem to be starting out on a bad note here. As far as I know Aaron doesn't have any personal wealth. We have the same bank account, so I know that there is not a lot of money hidden in there. He also appears to not have any stocks or bonds, or that sort of secret money. He could be keeping them from me, but let's face facts. I am an incredibly nosey person. I have gone through everything he owns. If he has got some stocks and bond certificates they hidden in a safety deposit box somewhere to which Aaron has swallowed the key.
Personal Wealth: Check minus*

2. Family Wealth
This portion of the list has left me stymied. I really have no clued about the Curry's family wealth. I know that when Kelsey pulled like four TVs down on herself in six months the Curry's would just get new ones. I also know that the Curry's appear to be amassing a rental empire in Iowa County. However, I have no idea what the property values in Iowa County might be. I do know that if they owned that much property in DC they would be living in the land of milk and honey. But due to my own lack of information I have to give this category a:
Family Wealth: Check?

3. Education
This one is a stickler for me. Aaron is nine hours short of his BA. Nine freaking hours. I know it is vain of me, but I have a Masters Degree and I want my husband to have a BA. You thin he could pull his shit together to finish the nine hours. Douche. But he is almost done with the degree, so that saves him from the dreaded check minus.
Education: Check

4. Job
All right, so things are looking better for Aaron in this category. He's got a really great job doing something I don't understand with websites at the Marriott corporate headquarters. I'm not really up on his job duties, but he seems to spend a lot of time counting pixels. The job is good. Right now. It's a contract position, so it could go straight to hell at any moment. So, even though he makes like twice as much as I do God only knows how long the job will last.
Job: Check

5. Upward Mobility
This one is hard to judge. If we are going to count the job he currently has in the equation it is right up there. Yuppies here we come! But should they not renew his contract Aaron could be back to making hoagies in no time. The ghetto here we come! So, once again, I am going to have to award Aaron a
Upward Mobility: Check Minus

6. Possessions
One thing I have to say about Aaron is that he does own a lot of things. I'm not sure that any of them would really be considered status symbols, but they take up a lot of space. Take his video game collection, for instance. He's got like every system except for a PS or a PS2. Does he really need that Atari? I don't think so. He never plays it. Same goes for the Super NES and the N64. He plays his Gamecube approximately once a year and the NES about twice a year. The only thing that he plays consistently is the X-Box and that just confuses me because he is always shouting into his Live headset and I think he's talking to me. I hate that thing. He has a lot of comic books and book books, which are cool, and some awesome action figures, but due to my extreme hatred of his video gaming systems I must give him a
Possessions: Check Minus

7. Car
Well, he's not going to be winning any brownie points with that thing. White, four door, 1995 Ford Taruses do not male the girls' hearts go pitter-patter. Generally they make their hearts wonder how many kids that mom has. Or if that was all the better the 16 year old could do when they got their license. I have never heard of a girl chasing after the owner of a Ford Tarus offering up her heart and/or virginity.
Car: Check Minus

8. Debt
The bane of all college students, or recent college students, existence. While Aaron doesn't have much debt of his own I have tens of thousands of dollars in student loan debt. Take that, Aaron! But since this is supposed to be based solely on Aaron, not Aaron and Norah, I guess I will have to exclude my debt. So, for the first rim since this examination began, Aaron gets a
Debt: Check Plus

9. Personality
Oh, Aarons' personality. Where to start? He can be pretty funny, but his ego has inflated to the size of a football stadium. Imagine Kinnick Stadium filled with nothing but Aaron's ego. That's what I live with every day. Also, if he slaps my ass one more time, in public or private, I am going to flip a bitch and he will feel my wrath. Perhaps it's because he is the youngest and only boy, but Aaron is entirely too used to getting his own way. Here's a story: Aileen (Aaron's sister) told him the other day that she had to leave the house for a week so that Aaron would have to learn to talk because everyone got him what he wanted when he pointed and grunted. This is what I have to work with.
Personality: Check

10. Taste in Music
Different from mine, though we do have some of the same interests. What really pisses me off about Aaron and music is his ability to know all the words to a song after hearing it twice. Bastard. Out of spite I am awarding him a:
Music: Check Minus

All right, so let's tally the score:
Check Minus: 4
Check: 4
Check Plus: 1
Check ?: 1

Oh crap, this isn't good. The list says that I should totally not be marrying this man. And if I'm not available how will Johnny Depp know that he is supposed to eave his wife and two children for me? This list leads me to believe that I am about to make a terrible mistake. But I all ready have the dress, so I guess I had better just go ahead with it. Damn.

*I have chosen to use the check plus, check, check minus system to grade Aaron. While many may find this to be too simplistic a form of judgment I feel it is the only one Aaron clearly understands. Besides, I think it's funny.

Much to my surprise, it turns out there is a ludicrous 10 point test that anyone can use to ascertain the value of their significant other. I'm pleased to hear this, as I generally like to apply robot-like logic to all aspects of life, with little or no concern for these so called "feelings." Norah gave me my appraisal, which I just barely passed, and I will now apply the same test to Norah.

    The List
  1. Personal Wealth
  2. Family Wealth
  3. Education
  4. Job
  5. Upward Mobility
  6. Possessions
  7. Car
  8. Debt
  9. Personality
  10. Taste in Music

1. Personal Wealth
Uh oh. Norah is off to a bad start. Not only is she not bringing any wealth into our relationship, she is bringing in extreme poverty. She's like the anti-matter version of money, utterly destroying any earnings she comes into contact with.
Check infinite minus

2. Family Wealth
Who knows? Norah describes her childhood as one of abject poverty, but I see no evidence of this. If this had actually been the case, I don't think she'd walk around with the sense of absolute entitlement she seems to have. She rarely accepts "no" as an answer to "Can I buy this? This horribly ugly dress is SUPER CUTE," so I tend to believe the Hanson's are doing all right.
Check

3. Education
This one is hard to determine. This test is too unspecific. Norah attended a lot of school, but it was entirely worthless. She has both a B.A. and an M.A. in ART HISTORY for God's sake. Not to mention the fact that education in women is highly unattractive.
Check minus

4. Job
This is the easiest one so far. Tying in to the above Education category, Norah should be highly employable, as she has a Masters degree. But then she fucked it all up, and got one in art history. Also, she currently has a completely crappy part-time job, and seems disinclined to find something better, despite my constant pressures.
Check minus

5. Upward Mobility
I'm not entirely sure. Norah has a lot of traits that could make her upwardly mobile. She's smart, over-educated, lives in a large metropolitan area...she could turn into a pretty successful pretentious yuppie. But this is hindered by the fact that she is so unbearably lazy, I'm not sure she'll ever put any effort into improving her station. I'll give her a
Check

6. Possessions
Norah has a lot of stuff, but this isn't actually a good thing. Norah has a lot of very, very crappy stuff. Endless heaps of boring books, loads and loads of clothes she hates but won't get rid of, and rickety rocking chair after rickety rocking chair. The only reason she doesn't get a check minus here is that her TV is way better than mine.
Check

7. Car
Norah doesn't have a car. She used to have a pretty crummy Civic that she abused (and I broke its windshield), but her parents stole it. "Stole" usually has a negative connotation, but in this instance it was appreciated. At any rate, no car so
Check minus

8. Debt
Oh, no. Useless degree after useless degree is not a cheap way to live. The fact that she lives so very, very far beyond her means (she will instantly purchase anything pretty, shiny or "super cute" regardless of cost and/or current money in the bank), would put her in the "check minus" range on its own. Throw in the college loan debt, and we've got a
Check infinite minus

9. Personality
Since the rest of this quiz allowed me to specify the parts of Norah's personality that drive me absolutely fucking nuts, I'll rate Norah favorably here. Crazy-making aside, Norah is pretty fun when she isn't actively sulking and/or procrastinating about something vital to our survival.
Check plus

10. Taste in Music
Oh, God. Norah has the absolute worst taste in music. She loves it when dudes whine in horrible, off-key warbles. She loves it especially when they whine about being picked on in high school.
Check super infinite minus

The final score:
Check plus: 1
Check: 3
Check minus: 3 standard, two infinite, one super infinite

Uh oh. It turns out Norah isn't the one for me. I always had my suspicions, but here I have definitive, irrefutable scientific proof. Crap. I guess this means a lifetime of unhappiness for me. I could call of the wedding, I suppose. Then again, Jeff double-dared me to go through with it, and I can't walk away from that; he'd call me a sissy.