groomsmen

I have chosen all the groomsmen, so those of you attempting to bribe your way into the wedding party may as well stop. Well, I guess you can continue sending cash and gifts if you like, but it won't do you any good.

It was a hard choice, but finally the list came down to Jeff, Joe, Matt D, and Jake.

Best Man - Jeff Knock
I called up Jeffy to see if he'd be my best man. Jeffishly, his reply was, "Do I have to do anything?" I honestly didn't know if he did or not, so I made Norah look it up in some book she got about getting married. The book said that the main duties of the best man are to "put on the bachelor party, make sure the groom gets to the wedding on time, and reprehensibly grope the bridesmaids." Jeff was in.

So I was sitting at home the other night watching reruns of MacGyver when Curry called. He says to me "Hey Buddy, wanna be my best man?"

My mind went into a state of conflict. On one hand, I'm clearly the Best Man. I can think of no one out there who's better than me. On the other hand, being the Best Man goes against everything I stand for: being lazy, having no responsibility, not ever having to give a public speech, and many other things. What was I to do?

"Who are the other Groomsmen going to be," I asked.

"Matt D. and Joe." He replied.

"Matt D. and Joe... Groomsmen... isn't that being a little loose with the language, Curry?" I inquired.

"True... they are very womanly, but who else could I use... Simon?" He snickered.

We both had a good laugh at Simon's expense and I continued on in my mental anguish over what to say. A very long uncomfortable silence fell upon us. After what seemed like days the solution finally came to me. I asked him if he had any kind of "Best Man Handbook." Sure enough, he did.

"Does it say in there that I can reprehensibly grope the Bridesmaids?"

"Lemme look... yep, it sure does."

I was in.

-Jeff

Groomsman - Joe Cronin
After witnessing Joe's intense paranoia about doing something wrong at Matt D's wedding, when all he had to do was do what I did, I was unsure if I should let him into the lineup. He could easily sow seeds of confusion and doubt into a team consisting of himself, Jeff and Matt D. Jeff's near-crippling fear of doing something wrong would make him highly succeptible to Joe's paranoid ramblings, and Matt D's inherant trait of never paying attention or doing what he is told would be highly enhanced by Joe's wild misinformation. Finally I decided it would be supremely funny to see Joe "The Midget" Cronin between the Tower of Matt D and the lesser Pillar of Jeff. He made the cut.

I was taking a nap a few weeks ago when my phone started ringing. Naturally, I hit one of the many buttons in the hopes of quieting it, and went back to sleep. I then had a dream where some kind of tree frog asked me to be in his wedding. I said I'd do it and the dream went on from there... I vaguely remember something about a flag pole, and maybe some kind of squirrel.

As it turns out, I hit the speaker phone button and inadvertently agreed to being in a wedding. Apparently it's too late to back out now so I guess I'll just try to make the best of it. It shouldn't be too much effort to trick Jeff into doing something inappropriate and highly sacrilegious during the ceremony, and I'm told we're going to throw Jake in a dumpster.

All else failing, however, Mochal will certainly do something extremely inappropriate and crazy without any prompting from me.

-Joe

Groomsman - Matt D
I called up Matt D using the usual process Matt D and I have for communicating. First, I call him when I know he'll be home. Inexplicably, he won't answer his phone, so I'll leave a message telling him exactly when I have to work for the next week or so, and when he should call me back. For the next several days, he'll call my phone while I'm at work and leave bitchy messages about how I never answer my phone. After about a week, I was finally able to get ahold of him, and asked him to be a groomsman. He agreed, but only on the condition that he wouldn't have to miss work.

Well I guess I'll say a few words about the impending wedding out of fear, as Curry threatened to "key" me if I didn't. To appease Curry's desire for web content I spent some time thinking about the lonely road which he is about to travel. As he prepares to take the plunge I couldn't help but think about some of the curious memories I have of my time with him. After all, a wedding is basically a funeral with alchohol, so why not reflect on Aaron's life.

My oldest memory of Aaron consists of him crying like a little girl at his own birthday party. Aaron invited a whole bus full of classmates to his house to celebrate his birthday, at which Travis Roberts was kind enought to provide the porn most of which was confiscated by Duke, the bus driver. The rest of the party invovled Aaron crying upstairs while we ate his birthday cake.

Other classic Curry memories include making the front page of the Iowa City Press Citizen for the opening of Star Wars after calling in sick to school and making the administration look like morons.

On the wedding note I think everyone can appreciate the stories of Norah throwing her shoes at Aaron.

I wish you both the best and I am sure Aaron will be a welcome addition to the Hanson family.

-Matt D

Usher - Jake Harney
Jake was a clear choice for the position of usher. He could take his at-home hobby of pushing people (his sisters) around all the time, and put it to work in my favor. He seemed to think the same thing, because he agreed with no hesitation.

I was reading and the phone rang; it was Aaron. Kevin awnsered and was on there for a while. Then he threw the phone to me, which I wasn't expecting, so it crashed to the floor. I picked it up.

"Hello?" I still wasn't sure who it was.

"Wanna be an usher at my wedding?" he asked

" Usher...?" I asked. See, I have never done anything important that I can remeber.

"Tell people where to sit."

"Sure." I didn't believe him, and I still don't. I bet they are gonna throw me in a dumpster.

-Jake